"Do you think you've behaved in a way this week that would make a Warden feel like that should be up to you?" Malcolm asks genuinely. "Do you think you've demonstrated responsibility in your conduct?"
Kikimora's face goes red, both in shame and fury. Because Malcolm is technically correct, she should not have behaved so egregiously. It was beneath her dignity to attack an unarmed assailant.
At the same time, apologizing to someone who inflicted a curse on her seems reprehensible.
"I apologized to him." She retorts, through gritted fangs. "I got him new shoes, as you requested. Why am I still being punished?"
"You're not being punished," Malcolm tells her matter of factly. "You asked me to do this for you. You said you have to assume everyone is dangerous because they're bigger than you. I asked you how far away from you you want everyone to stay so you feel safe enough not to set people on fire. You said outside of grabbing range. So now you're safe, right? Now nobody can grab you, so you don't have to set people on fire for talking to you. What's the problem?"
She seethes, standing up on her chair to point! dramatically!!
"I did NOT. I was speaking of strangers, you and I both know that, and to pretend different is being deliberately obtuse. And I did not say, Warden Bright, please go to the Admiral and make it so my inmate cannot sit next to her friends, or hand over an apology gift!"
Kikimora's getting worked up now, to the point where Princess is emerging to figure out what the problem is.
"I did not set him on fire for TALKING. I set him on fire because he surprised me outside my door and was in my personal space, you wretched thing. Something that you are doing right now by ignoring my desire not to speak to you! But I do not set YOU on fire, beloved warden, because I know you are not a threat. That is the difference, if I have to explain it to you like I would a child!"
Girl, who is pacing on top of their desk ranting and who is sitting in their chair?
"Kikimora, you set an unarmed man on fire," he replies matter of factly, looking up at her. "Most Wardens in my place would just take your magic away for doing something like that and call it a punishment. Or they'd put you in Zero for a week. Or they'd take Princess. But I don't feel like cutting off a hand was ever an effective deterrent from thievery, as it were. I asked you why you had to do it and what it would take to remove the conditions that made you hurt someone innocent because, whether you accept it or not, it's on me when that happens, too. It's on me to ensure that doesn't just happen again and again. So if you would like to present an alternative way to ensure that, I'm listening," Malcolm tells her, sitting back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands in his lap.
Panic briefly overtakes her, stealing her breath away. She would never imagine someone taking Princess from her: the very thought makes her want to set the whole desk on fire.
Kikimora drops back down in her chair, glowering back at Malcolm, like even the vague threat of it is too much for her. Even if he promised he wouldn't, the fact that it's being brought up at all makes it a possibility in her paranoid, scarred mind.
Her hands curl into fists as she invites Princess up into her lap, taking a few ragged, calming breaths.
“You said most wardens would.” She growls. “Since I am led to believe that they will look down on you if I am NOT appropriately punished, I would rather be placed in Zero than have my magic reduced or Princess taken away.”
“Most Wardens would. But I won’t. Because putting you in Zero or taking your magic away or taking Princess? Those aren’t solutions to the problem, Kikimora. And I don’t know that you understand what the problem even is. I asked you why you did it. I want you to think really hard and be really honest with me right now. No manoeuvring. Two can play that game and you clearly don’t like where it got us. So. Why did you do it?”
Her face scrunches up. So: her warden was trying to play her?
A part of Kikimora is afraid to let her true goblin side out. But maybe it will be slightly more freeing to do so. Things can hardly be worse, can they??
Her hands grip Princess’s horns as she declares, irritated:
“He got in my FACE and I wanted him to get away from me.”
“Okay. So we need to figure out a way to curb violence as a response to those emotions that doesn’t involve removing all stimuli that could cause it, right? Because you’re correct that there’s no quality of life to that solution and I’m honestly relieved that you noticed that so quickly. So. You need an alternative to violence to respond to irritation, first of all. I feel like anger is a bigger spur to violence for you than surprise, but correct me if I’m wrong,” he says.
She retorts, even as her hands roam protectively around her pet’s face.
“I understand that is a barrier to my graduation, Warden Bright. I enjoy being thought of as a threat. And when the fool started crying, I felt satisfaction.”
“I’m sure you did. You like violence, though, because you understand how it works. And you felt satisfaction at terrorizing Allan because you’ve been conditioned to believe that the ability to inflict terror on people who are weaker than you is a strength and because you’ve been terrorized and you don’t like feeling weak. If your opponent is weaker than you, you feel strong. And Allan is weaker than you. You could walk up and kick his ass any day of the week. Every day of the week, without mercy. You were punching down when you hurt him, so you could feel powerful. When someone more powerful than you hurt you just because they could - and we both know how many times you’ve experienced that in your life - how did you feel?” Malcolm asks.
That is…not the direction Kikimora was prepared for this conversation to go. She wants to make Malcolm understand the true depths of her goblin origins, how she was willing to sell out her home, her species, just to maintain status at the top of the ashes.
It was in fact going that way until the end of it, when she’s struck in the face by the fact that Malcolm already knows how truly terrible a person she is and simply wants to now how she feels.
How she feels about being kicked around every day, dreaming of the day when SHE could stomp on the creatures stepping on her (sometimes literally)? How does she even go about explaining all that hatred and terror of worrying whether she’ll be the next person to be eliminated from a ruthlessly competitive pile? The thrill and delight of killing your enemies, all for the amusement of someone who wanted you dead all along?
He gets up and walks around the desk and gives her a one-armed hug, if she lets him. Yes, he can still touch her.
“That’s the kind of work we’re going to have to do and you’re not going to like it. But you won’t be doing it alone. I promised I would help you graduate and you will. Even if you fight me on it. But I need you to understand something: even when I dislike your conduct in a given situation, I still like you, so don’t go thinking you’ll get rid of me and my annoying questions and my devious little tricks by running around setting people on fire. We’re in this together. You’re stuck with me until you graduate.” He means that. His expression is disgustingly earnest before his lips turn up a tiny bit. “And if I have to get someone to magic your ass now and then? Don’t think I won’t,” he teases at the end.
She shrinks into herself, curling up and feeling awful. Not for anything she’s done, mind - just a general sense of depression and hopelessness.
“I hate you.” She mutters, even if she doesn’t. Mainly she’s confused - her closest approximation to these feelings is hate but it feels needy and sour. She hates feeling directionless and under so much pressure.
"I know," he says affectionately. He knows she doesn't. He rubs her arm lightly. "So, listen. We have long term goals - namely graduation - and we have short term goals. Short term goals are things like... I know you will still have the urge to set people on fire for being annoying and stupid, but do you think you can summon the self-control to not do it while we work on that?" he asks. "I want you to think about it and answer honestly. Can you refrain from retaliating for the slightest inconvenience with horror?"
"You can still say what you think. I don't want you to be someone else. But you hurt people because people hurt you and you won't really see another way until I help you process that trauma. We'll work past it, okay?" He presses a kiss to the top of her head, then moves back around the desk to his seat. "Here's something I want you to think about this week: how would your world have been different if the people with power and strength were kind to people who were weaker and more vulnerable than they were?"
“No. I want you to think about it and next time we talk, you can tell me about it.” He considers her for a moment. “Do you think you feel safe enough around your fellow Barge-dwellers now that I can ask the Admiral to stop making you untouchable or will that just be an excuse to start setting people on fire again?” Malcolm asks.
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2024-04-04 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:07 pm (UTC)At the same time, apologizing to someone who inflicted a curse on her seems reprehensible.
"I apologized to him." She retorts, through gritted fangs. "I got him new shoes, as you requested. Why am I still being punished?"
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:29 pm (UTC)"I did NOT. I was speaking of strangers, you and I both know that, and to pretend different is being deliberately obtuse. And I did not say, Warden Bright, please go to the Admiral and make it so my inmate cannot sit next to her friends, or hand over an apology gift!"
Kikimora's getting worked up now, to the point where Princess is emerging to figure out what the problem is.
"I did not set him on fire for TALKING. I set him on fire because he surprised me outside my door and was in my personal space, you wretched thing. Something that you are doing right now by ignoring my desire not to speak to you! But I do not set YOU on fire, beloved warden, because I know you are not a threat. That is the difference, if I have to explain it to you like I would a child!"
Girl, who is pacing on top of their desk ranting and who is sitting in their chair?
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:42 pm (UTC)Kikimora drops back down in her chair, glowering back at Malcolm, like even the vague threat of it is too much for her. Even if he promised he wouldn't, the fact that it's being brought up at all makes it a possibility in her paranoid, scarred mind.
Her hands curl into fists as she invites Princess up into her lap, taking a few ragged, calming breaths.
"Put me in Zero."
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 06:55 pm (UTC)A part of Kikimora is afraid to let her true goblin side out. But maybe it will be slightly more freeing to do so. Things can hardly be worse, can they??
Her hands grip Princess’s horns as she declares, irritated:
“He got in my FACE and I wanted him to get away from me.”
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:00 pm (UTC)“Now we see each other,” he remarks. “Thank you for being honest. Just him in particular?”
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:23 pm (UTC)She retorts, even as her hands roam protectively around her pet’s face.
“I understand that is a barrier to my graduation, Warden Bright. I enjoy being thought of as a threat. And when the fool started crying, I felt satisfaction.”
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:44 pm (UTC)It was in fact going that way until the end of it, when she’s struck in the face by the fact that Malcolm already knows how truly terrible a person she is and simply wants to now how she feels.
How she feels about being kicked around every day, dreaming of the day when SHE could stomp on the creatures stepping on her (sometimes literally)? How does she even go about explaining all that hatred and terror of worrying whether she’ll be the next person to be eliminated from a ruthlessly competitive pile? The thrill and delight of killing your enemies, all for the amusement of someone who wanted you dead all along?
Her visible eye fills with tears.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 08:02 pm (UTC)“That’s the kind of work we’re going to have to do and you’re not going to like it. But you won’t be doing it alone. I promised I would help you graduate and you will. Even if you fight me on it. But I need you to understand something: even when I dislike your conduct in a given situation, I still like you, so don’t go thinking you’ll get rid of me and my annoying questions and my devious little tricks by running around setting people on fire. We’re in this together. You’re stuck with me until you graduate.” He means that. His expression is disgustingly earnest before his lips turn up a tiny bit. “And if I have to get someone to magic your ass now and then? Don’t think I won’t,” he teases at the end.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 08:56 pm (UTC)“I hate you.” She mutters, even if she doesn’t. Mainly she’s confused - her closest approximation to these feelings is hate but it feels needy and sour. She hates feeling directionless and under so much pressure.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:18 pm (UTC)“I’ve bitten my tongue plenty of times in the past.”
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 02:56 am (UTC)"You want me to write you an essay?"
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 03:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
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