That is…not the direction Kikimora was prepared for this conversation to go. She wants to make Malcolm understand the true depths of her goblin origins, how she was willing to sell out her home, her species, just to maintain status at the top of the ashes.
It was in fact going that way until the end of it, when she’s struck in the face by the fact that Malcolm already knows how truly terrible a person she is and simply wants to now how she feels.
How she feels about being kicked around every day, dreaming of the day when SHE could stomp on the creatures stepping on her (sometimes literally)? How does she even go about explaining all that hatred and terror of worrying whether she’ll be the next person to be eliminated from a ruthlessly competitive pile? The thrill and delight of killing your enemies, all for the amusement of someone who wanted you dead all along?
He gets up and walks around the desk and gives her a one-armed hug, if she lets him. Yes, he can still touch her.
“That’s the kind of work we’re going to have to do and you’re not going to like it. But you won’t be doing it alone. I promised I would help you graduate and you will. Even if you fight me on it. But I need you to understand something: even when I dislike your conduct in a given situation, I still like you, so don’t go thinking you’ll get rid of me and my annoying questions and my devious little tricks by running around setting people on fire. We’re in this together. You’re stuck with me until you graduate.” He means that. His expression is disgustingly earnest before his lips turn up a tiny bit. “And if I have to get someone to magic your ass now and then? Don’t think I won’t,” he teases at the end.
She shrinks into herself, curling up and feeling awful. Not for anything she’s done, mind - just a general sense of depression and hopelessness.
“I hate you.” She mutters, even if she doesn’t. Mainly she’s confused - her closest approximation to these feelings is hate but it feels needy and sour. She hates feeling directionless and under so much pressure.
"I know," he says affectionately. He knows she doesn't. He rubs her arm lightly. "So, listen. We have long term goals - namely graduation - and we have short term goals. Short term goals are things like... I know you will still have the urge to set people on fire for being annoying and stupid, but do you think you can summon the self-control to not do it while we work on that?" he asks. "I want you to think about it and answer honestly. Can you refrain from retaliating for the slightest inconvenience with horror?"
"You can still say what you think. I don't want you to be someone else. But you hurt people because people hurt you and you won't really see another way until I help you process that trauma. We'll work past it, okay?" He presses a kiss to the top of her head, then moves back around the desk to his seat. "Here's something I want you to think about this week: how would your world have been different if the people with power and strength were kind to people who were weaker and more vulnerable than they were?"
“No. I want you to think about it and next time we talk, you can tell me about it.” He considers her for a moment. “Do you think you feel safe enough around your fellow Barge-dwellers now that I can ask the Admiral to stop making you untouchable or will that just be an excuse to start setting people on fire again?” Malcolm asks.
He leans forward. “I want to be very clear about something: if someone actively tries to harm you, you can absolutely defend yourself. Burn their whole face off. But no more claiming self defence when it’s not. You’re not stupid. You outpower a lot of people here. Having power requires conducting yourself to a higher standard of responsibility.”
“You’re teaching magic to others now. You’re a powerful witch, capable of harming others. I think you could develop really good leadership skills, to be honest. But we have to deal with the trauma that’s equating strength with doing harm. I’ll call the Admiral.” He gets up. “Have fun with the animals,” he tells her.
Kikimora...clearly hadn't thought of that. The harming part, yes; not so much the leadership. Teaching and ruling are two different skillsets, she doesn't have the patience to deal with brats!
Fine, though. Fine.
Worked over emotionally, she nods and sinks back down in her chair.
"Still attempting to divest of snakes and birds from this last flood."
"Okay. I'll tell the not dogs and cats pet owners club about them. And anyone else I hear talking about getting pets," Malcolm tells her. "See you later."
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 07:44 pm (UTC)It was in fact going that way until the end of it, when she’s struck in the face by the fact that Malcolm already knows how truly terrible a person she is and simply wants to now how she feels.
How she feels about being kicked around every day, dreaming of the day when SHE could stomp on the creatures stepping on her (sometimes literally)? How does she even go about explaining all that hatred and terror of worrying whether she’ll be the next person to be eliminated from a ruthlessly competitive pile? The thrill and delight of killing your enemies, all for the amusement of someone who wanted you dead all along?
Her visible eye fills with tears.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 08:02 pm (UTC)“That’s the kind of work we’re going to have to do and you’re not going to like it. But you won’t be doing it alone. I promised I would help you graduate and you will. Even if you fight me on it. But I need you to understand something: even when I dislike your conduct in a given situation, I still like you, so don’t go thinking you’ll get rid of me and my annoying questions and my devious little tricks by running around setting people on fire. We’re in this together. You’re stuck with me until you graduate.” He means that. His expression is disgustingly earnest before his lips turn up a tiny bit. “And if I have to get someone to magic your ass now and then? Don’t think I won’t,” he teases at the end.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 08:56 pm (UTC)“I hate you.” She mutters, even if she doesn’t. Mainly she’s confused - her closest approximation to these feelings is hate but it feels needy and sour. She hates feeling directionless and under so much pressure.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:18 pm (UTC)“I’ve bitten my tongue plenty of times in the past.”
no subject
Date: 2024-04-04 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 02:56 am (UTC)"You want me to write you an essay?"
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 03:10 am (UTC)"I promise not to misuse my magic to set people here on fire. Even IF they surprise or annoy me."
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 03:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 02:40 pm (UTC)"Very well, Malcolm."
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 04:38 pm (UTC)Fine, though. Fine.
Worked over emotionally, she nods and sinks back down in her chair.
"Still attempting to divest of snakes and birds from this last flood."
no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-05 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-06 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-04-09 12:41 pm (UTC)